Joyful Ruins

It’s so strange to go through such a negative experience and to come to a place of seeing it as the best thing that could have ever happened to me.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not advocating for trials in order to grow. I do not wish that on others or myself. AND I recognize it was the absence of resources and loving responses that brought me to this pain in the first place. I am not saying trauma is good, not at all. I also still struggle to see this journey in a positive light from day to day.

However, I can’t ignore the moments I see the big picture, the mountain view. When I became chronically sick a year and a half ago (now more than that as I wrote this post a while back), I had no idea it would make my life totally new.

I learned that one of the reasons I was experiencing physical pain, was because I had stopped caring for myself.

At some point, I had decided, the only way to survive my day, my work, and people, was to never think about myself, bully myself inside, and allow others to determine who I was and my worth.

This physical pain came because my body wanted me to know I needed to change. Thank God for it.

It was the scariest experience and it made me think I’d die soon, I’d never have another healthy day, I’d never eat normal food again, do the things I love. It made me want to die, that’s the truth. It was months of fevers, inflammation, vertigo, it was months of tears, anxiety, and begging God to heal me or take me.

And yet, one year ago, I started a therapy program, called Dynamic Neural Retraining System, that set me on a path of healing. It did heal some physical symptoms, lessened others, but God used it for a deeper healing.

It opened my eyes to how I thought, spoke, acted. For the first time in a long time, I was telling myself that I cared for me and that I was doing the best I could. For the first time I pictured a future that was positive and included my desires. DNRS taught me a lot, but God took what I learned and practiced, to heal me inside out.

It was during this time that I rediscovered my passion for environmental education. I had been living a life of pure duty and submission to a career I did not want to stay in. I realized God wanted me to pursue my greatest passions because that’s how He made me.

I began to delight in myself, loving parts of me I never had, questioning many of the distortions my religious upbringing had given me.

To sum it up, I was unraveling and it was the greatest experience, scary as heck, but beautiful. And God began rebuilding me. Rebuilding my beliefs, thoughts, life.

I left my old life and old self.

For many of those I know, I am the same Jessica, but God and I know better. I feel brand new and a live for the first time since turning 20.

Is my life all tied up in a perfect ribbon? No. I am still looking for a job, still healing, and still learning to let go and be loved (Again, I wrote this a while ago and have a job now, I am still learning every day though).

I don’t expect to ever reach a perfectly tied ribbon ending, not until heaven that is.

What this past year taught me is that I have 24/7 access to a Love that can get me through anything.

What I learned this past year is that the only person who can tell me to enjoy, savor, grow, and love this life, is me.