Joyful Ruins

I used to be a conflict avoider. I did not physically avoid conflict, but internally I did.

If anyone had conflict with me, I’d go straight to denying, shaming, and abandoning myself. The other person always “won”, because I would run away from even trying.

I still tend to this pattern within conflict.

However, I am also beginning to see how God can bless me through conflict.

Don’t misunderstand me. I am not saying every conflict is healthy or good. I am not saying you are blessed when you are in conflict.

I am saying, for myself, as a past conflict hater, I am beginning to experience how God can use conflict to grow, bless, even love.

Recently I started a new job and this job has many strong personalities working in a small space, which leads to a lot of stepping on one anothers’ toes.

I have worked hard to set aside any judgements of others and still found myself assuming two of my coworkers are full of bad intentions.

On one ocassion, I vented to another coworker about one of those cowrokers. It got back to her and she asked to talk to me about what I had said.

I could only assume, due to past experience, that this person would be defensive, agressive, and would gaslight me. Up until this point, that had been my experience with most of the conflicts I had had.

I was genuinely soothed when she did not raise her voice or attack me verbally. She sought out reconciliation.

And suddenly I knew her heart better. A felt sense of safety grew. My trauma had been chipped away at just a little.

I still do not like conflict. It churns my stomach and makes my nervous system go on the fritz. But I can see how God can use it.

He can use it to show you true colors, either in a good or bad way. He can use it to reveal more of a person, more of yourself. He can even use it to heal.

I always thought conflict could only end in one way: with defeat and shame for myself.

Now I see that conflict is meant to end with reconciliation and I am beginnign to think it’s worth staying present for to receive such a gift.

Remember, too, that just because you avoid conflict, doesn’t mean it isn’t still there. Just like we can’t suppress our own feelings forever, we cannot ignore conflict and expect it to go away.