Joyful Ruins

Please do not diagnose me. It is the worst thing you can do to someone sharing a vulnerable story like this. And just so you know, I have diagnosed myself with 1,000 things, so you probably do not have a new one for me. I wanted to share this story because it is my trauma story. It was scary, life changing, and so many other things. It’s the story I hid in my heart for a long time, all alone, not sharing it with anyone. Then, one day, I shared it with a therapist, and it all poured out. I wrote it down because I knew it needed to be said.

I remember that day.

I was at someone’s house for a baptism. I started feeling dizzy and felt hot too. I laid down, assuming that I was just faint, but I was already scared and I was already very confused.

I made it home, though I was scared I wouldn’t. And once I got home, I felt incredibly hot and still felt a strange dizziness.

I wanted it to stop and I had no sense of what was happening. I put a cold wet towel on me to cool down.
And I remember that I wans scared I couldn’t go to Colorado to visit my parents. I assumed I had a virus. I had stomach issues, heat, inflammation, blurry vision.

I went to urgent care to get checked out and the guy said I probably had a virus, I should be grateful that it didn’t seem that bad, and this too shall pass.

I went to Colorado, things worsened. I was hyperaware of every sensation in my body. I’d eat something and feel so uncomfortably bloated. I had blurry vision.
At some point, I ended up in bed all day watching a tv show because I didn’t know what was happening and I was scared to do anything because it might make me feel more strange and uncomfortable sensations.

I rallied for a bachelerotte trip and was again, confounded over when I felt ok and when I didn’t. I couldn’t find any explanation or connection.

Once I got back to AZ, I went to more doctors. One of them tested for allergies and the results said I was allergic/intolerant to soy, wheat, and about 10 other foods. All of which made it almost impossible to eat antything normal.

I felt relieved to have some answers, overwhelmed by this list of allergies. Upset that I had been eating things that harmed me.

I researched and started to find ways to eat without all those allergies. And I felt sad and isolated. I could no longer share food with others and I worried that this would be the rest of my life.

Would I ever get to participate in the joy of eating with others again? Would I ever feel like a normal person again?

The new diet helped a little and I found myself seeing a naturopath.

He tested my blood and hair and my results pointed to so many problems.
I think I continued to blame msyself. I had brought this sickness upon me. I had eaten wrong I should have exercised more. I shouldn’t have drank soda or eaten ice cream.

I brought up the mold I had been exposed to to so many doctors, including the naturopath and none of them really addressed it.

I started taking many supplements. I felt like I couldn’t do anything. I didn’t feel like myself. I lacked joy.

I was alone because I was afraid to go out with people and trigger sensations. And I felt like no one understood me. I felt forgotten too.

The supplements helped a little but I started having reactions to them too. I had to be intuitve and trust my body. I also started googling a lot, wondering if others had experienced the same reactions that I did. Most didn’t and I felt further confused and isolated.

I experienced new sensations: heart things, chest tightness, feeling like I was in waves.
But all these unexplainable sensations became my life. This was my new normal and I hated it. I hated it.

I remember crying over the phone to my mom, “I just want everything to go back to how it was.” I desperately, fearfully, wanted my body to feel good and normal again. I felt like my body had just decided to ruin my life and I had no say.

I cired so much. I cried alone. I found myself crying out to God to heal me or just end my life because I didn’t want to feel the way I did forever.

Someone pointed me to DNRS and I had hope again. I began this therapy and truly did start seeing sensations lessen and sometimes, disappear.

For the first time, I was focusing on joy. For the first time, I said nice things to myself. DNRS told me my brain was broken and tricking my body into sensations.. I just needed to believe hard enough that this was imagined and I would have a normal life again.

I began to obsessively learn about trauma, mold, the limbic system. I followed every expert and went to virtual conferences.

And it all really did heal me. It took a long time and I had to cry a lot and convince myself that I was doing the right thing. But I was even able to start eating things again.

I couldn’t get a clear answer or a clean bill of health from my naturopath. It felt like I continued to fail. At one point he thought I had a parasite or some kind of stomach thing. I took more supplements. Most of them I had to abandon.

I started doing new things and pushing myself when scared.

I realized I wanted to leave my job. All of this was scary and big. I was both losing my identity and reaching for it.

Eventually I left my job and Arizona. While living with my parents, mystery sensations remained. I continued a strict diet and DNRS.
I worked hard in hopes of healing.
I felt alone. No friends, though I tried to make some many times.

I just felt like no one cared.

I also felt alone in the house. I could spend hours in my room, scared, sad, and no one would know.
That felt depressing.

My finances started running low. It took 9 months to find a job.

It was another difficult time, trying to heal, no community, family hurt, and feeling the pain of what I had experienced in my last job.

I recognized how bad it had been but I didn’t want to revisit it.

I dsicovered Internal Family Systems and I definitely continued to push myself to uncover things.

I finally got a job offer for Montana and once I accepted it, I was scared and hopeful. I wanted it to be a new home, great job, and to find wonderful community. I worried my body would be retriggered. I worried I wasn’t capable of doing this. I feared.

I crid the day my parents left, in my unfamiliar home, city, state.

This is where I ended my written story, though it went on. I am healed and not yet healed. Traumatized, and yet working to change and heal from that. I am in another new city and it is much better. I wrote this and shared it with my therapist because I knew it was time. It was shared and that was a step of healing for me but there are SO many steps to go. I hope this helps someone out there not feel so alone in what they have experienced and that it might just give them courage to share their story with someone too, taking one step towards healing.