Joyful Ruins

I do not wake up and notice the goodness of my body.

Instead, I measure and judge.

And truly, even if I asked myself how I am feeling and the answer is always the “negatives”, I could at least, respond with compassion rather than irritation.

I guess I don’t really know what my body “should” feel like.

I know what it used to feel like, before mold, emotional abuse, chronic illness, trauma.

Am I still measuring my body against that standard? Still waiting for her to not feel anything? Constantly seeking to be rid of sensations and symptoms, though much of it is her doing exactly what she is meant to?

My eye is irritated. Rather than thanking her for responding appropriately to an irritant, I want to be rid of her. I assume it’s her reaction to a medicine, I worry it is a sign of something wrong, and suddenly, a normal wonderful body response, becomes a problem to solve.

And this is just one part. Imagine all the sensations and moments my mind dissects and labels as a problem.

My very breathing is analyzed, is it normal? Can it be deeper? Etc.

It sounds crazy but chronic mysterious sensations leads you to a different relationship with your body.

I want to change this relationship.

I want to thank my eye and body for doing her best to protect me.

I want to thank my breath, my hearty, my hands, nose, mouth, ears.

Subconsciously, my pattern is judgement, but perhaps, consciously, I can begin to change that.