Joyful Ruins

For most of my life, my response to my own sin was to cry my eyes out, plead with God for forgiveness, and feel badly for days after the act.

I do not think crying is an inappropriate response if your heart is truly breaking. We do not need to plead with God if we belong to Christ, but we can and should talk to Him. And feeling badly will not earn me a place back in God’s good grace (because we do not earn that, we receive it freely).

As I have lived a bit longer. As I have sinned. As I have walked the familiar path of giving into repeated sins and coming out of that cycle… my response has changed.

At first I was afraid of my new response to sin. I had given into an area of temptation more than usual and it didn’t leave me on the floor, tearing myself apart in the name of Christ.

I was afraid that my heart was hardening towards God. That somehow I had decided, without realizing it, that sin was okay.

In reality, my understanding had only matured. No, my response no longer entailed being eaten up with guilt and shame. Why?

Because I knew too well the truth of Christ. I am always restored to my rightful place as a child of God, not by my guilt or shame, but by Christ’s blood, forgiveness, and restoration. My wallowing does not make that more or less true. It is an absolute truth and I cannot do anything to change that.

So you may be wondering, how do I respond? First, I acknowledge the sin and I take responsibility for my obedience. I can’t find freedom if I don’t recognize the sin for what it is. I always talk to God and admit my wrongdoing. I also acknowledge that this is an ongoing struggle.

I used to declare to God, “I’ll never do it again!” And I would scramble to find a technique to stop me next time.

I’ve prayed the armor of God over myself. I’ve asked the Holy Spirit to rescue me. I’ve invited Jesus into the very moment. I’ve lit candles to remind me of His presence. I’ve interrupted my thoughts, cut out triggers, surrendered this area of my life, and even prayed against demonic powers. I’ve confessed the sin to others, asked for accountability, but I still sin. And I won’t ever stop sinning, not until I die or Jesus returns.

There is a difference between making it a priority to desire God to change your heart when you sin and making it a priority to work harder to not sin. God can and will continuously change your heart when you ask Him to, but you will never be strong enough to stop sinning.

The truth I take hold of when I have sinned is that God’s grace is sufficient. I never make it my goal to sin, but my imperfect rebellious heart and mind continue to disobey AND it is in that reality that I get to truly immerse myself in God’s truth that only Christ gets me to eternity with God.

I do my best to respond with heavenly truth, humility, prayer, and perseverance. Not try-harder-feel-more-guilty perseverance, but talk-with-God-press-into-His-love-and-His-strength perseverance.

For me, in this season of my life, that literally looks like God and I talking about my sin together. He desires that I obey Him. I desire that too, so I invite and ask Him to help me better do that which means I acknowledge this temptation will most likely come again, leading to sin, and I want to embrace God’s wisdom and power the next time it comes around.

I talk to God about why I disobeyed. What lead me to that moment. Was there a trigger or belief? I get curious. Some people would say it is a dangerous thing to get curious about your sin. And I agree, that if I explore the act of sinning, I’ve crossed the line. That is not what I am suggesting. I mean, invite God into this repeated behavior, pattern, feeling, and understand its workings in the light of His wisdom and grace.

We can’t understand sin to death because Jesus already killed sin. So all we can do is go to the One who killed it and lean into His love. That may look different for everyone, but I do believe you shouldn’t walk around in fear of sin. Fear of sin is one of the ways it continues to hold power over us. But, understanding and embracing that God has conquered sin and that we are invited into continued victory over it will begin to defeat that sin in our life.

It’s not our striving that will end the sin cycle. It’s not our guilt or shame or punishment or will power. It is solely our relationship with Christ.

Don’t be afraid of your sin because Christ is with you, He’s conquered it. It holds no real power over you. Talk to God about it and be open to His leading in transforming you as you walk this imperfect life covered by His graces and love.