Joyful Ruins

Discovering joy in the hard places

The Face of Doubt

Sometimes when I am a lone

I begin to hear a voice

a voice commenting on my life

looking at my friends

at moments together

kind words said

Taking secure

steady

sweet friendships

and doubting

speaking

Do they really like me?

Perhaps I need them

they don’t need me

Could I disappear

and would they notice?

How come I did this for them

but they never do for me?

Do I matter to them?

Will I ever feel content?

This voice seems to know

all the wounded places

And I could tell it to be quiet

scream at and hate it

But it would only make it

go away temporaily

and the feeling would stay trapped in my body

I don’t want to believe it

because it looks at things

as black or white

never seeing a different perpsective

so what can I do?

When this voice is loud

and attempting to take

my joy away

I turn to it

I see its face

a scared little girl

a child

rejected

ashamed

lonely

When I look at it

and recognize its place

the fear and hate

towards it

begin to dissipate

and as it does

I can speak gently

in reply

love and kindness

I can ask it questions

tell it a new story

remember times

even it knew

it was wholly loved

I’ll hold the voice

and love it back to health

and in due time

I hope

the voice will change

responding to

the very kindness

it was looking for

all along

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Jessica P. Mills's avatar

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Jessica P. Mills

I see the world through stories and insights. I have always been a sensitive soul, especially towards nature, people, art, and faith. I spend a lot of time reflecting and finding treasures wherever I can. The two values I live by are beauty and celebration. I hope my blog communicates those two things, seeing beauty where beauty is not often seen and celebrating every aspect of life, the hard and the easy.

3 responses to “The Face of Doubt”

  1. Sarah Martyn - Author Avatar
    Sarah Martyn – Author

    I know so many have thoughts like these. As an adult, I see both how I fail to actively nurture the many friendships I’ve made since older childhood, and how I feel I’m the only one making an effort at times, especially with more local friends. But it’s impossible to know why someone hasn’t done what we want – confirm a hangout, respond to a text, or give much care for years. I remind myself that it’s most likely not as personal as it feels.

    Reply
    1. Jessica P. Mills Avatar
      Jessica P. Mills

      Sarah, that is so true. I don’t think it’s good to deny the hurt and pain it brings us when that happens or to deny the hurt and pain we may cause others, even without our knowledge sometimes. Leaning into that reality invites God into the conversation. I’ve been understanding the difference between weak love and strong love. With friendships especially, I think weak love is when we feel like we must show love to someone because we don’t want to lose them, we resent them and still give, we are hurt by them and hold it against them but shove that down (basically wrong motivations). Strong love is an act of faith that does not deny our hurt or their sin, and it is a love that chooses to love them even with the hurt and sin. Strong love can mean talking to them about their behavior AND it can me knowing that this is a moment to forgive and show grace willingly.

      Reply
      1. Sarah Martyn - Author Avatar
        Sarah Martyn – Author

        Love seeing the difference between weak and strong love! Something I need to keep in my back pocket.

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About Me

An obsessive journaler who loves meeting others along their journey and giving them a hand to hold through pieces of writing. I write about the heartbreaks of life and the joys, the ups and downs, and I often learn my greatest lessons and miracles from nature.

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