Joyful Ruins

It’s been far too long since I have checked in with myself about my singleness.

For much of my teens and early 20s, I scrambled to change my relationship status. I longed for a partner to help me with the big life changes, to affirm me, to romance me, and to help me take brave steps to grow. I felt I needed a husband to live life fully.

But, once I got into my late 20s and experienced car troubles, financial obstacles, life changing decisions, mental health struggles, spiritual growth, moves, friendships ending, and physical illness on my own, I stopped feeling like I needed a husband or boyfriend to help me through life or to live fully. I felt satisfied with single life, beginning to grow confident and content.

I knew I’d be better than okay if I never found a partner.

I forgot to take this shift in perspective and feeling into account in my dating.

I still approached dating in a way like I was filling a need. Because I was trying to fill a need, I was discouraged by how disappointing the process was, how hard it was to find someone, and how much I had to force myself to make it work or fit.

I did not consider the shift that had happened. I no longer feel that I need a husband. I do, however, want a husband. Needs and wants are very different and we approach and understand them differently.

A need is almost always a necessary part of our existence. We need air, water, food, exercise, self care. We prioritize these things and we will sometimes take whatever is available because we need it more than we have time to wait for it. If we need air after being in water, we don’t wait to breathe until we find the freshest air, we just breathe.

Wanting and wants are not urgencies or necessities, they are desires, hopes, dreams. Wants change and grow. Wants are more specific and personal.

As a 30 year old, I do have a desire to find a man to share my life with and to start a family with. However, because I do not feel like I NEED that any longer, dating is a very different experience for me.

I have grown and changed. I have come to know that I would rather be on my own than marry someone just to marry someone.

When I date, I am honestly looking for someone who will grow with me and help me grow, who matches my heart in many ways, someone who I want to be with.

When we have come to a place in our singleness where we have embraced the possibility of never marrying, the way we think about dating must shift.

When others tell us to keep dating that person we have little interest in because you never know what might happen, we can trust our instincts (Formed over many years and experiences and paired with the wisdom of God) and move on. When we find ourselves not matching with anyone, it is because we’ve learned what we want and are not settling for something less.

It’s ok to know you want a mature, considerate, and healthy partner more than you need to just find someone.

You do not have to keep dating in order to satisfy the people in your life who expect it. You do not have to say yes to every guy just in case he turns out to be the guy.

You know yourself. You know the type of people you have found love with in the past. You know the red and green flags.

Don’t let anyone convince you that you need to be married. Don’t let anyone convince you that you are too picky.

You are picky because you are content. Being content doesn’t mean you aren’t allowed to look, but contentedly looking will be different than when you looked to fill a need.

Being content means knowing what you want and staying open to when that may come.

You can desire something strongly but that does not need to change your values, growth, personality, or standards.