Joyful Ruins

How do you respond to church hurt?

Constantly I see it written that church community will improve my life, will give me family, support and healing. I know that can be true. I know there are christian communities out there who do exemplify Christ, who are family, unconditionally loving BUT I also know the majority of peoples’ experience is the opposite of that.

I often hear people in religious communities say things like, it’s not the church that hurt you, it’s the people. The church is full of broken people, of course you’ll get hurt. Or no church is perfect. I often hear as advice, too, you just need to keep trying, you should join a group. A small group changed my life. If you serve, you’ll find your place.

First of all, stop.

If anyone, ever, comes to you with church hurt, they are 1. Sharing something vulnerable and traumatic with you no matter how small or big it seems from your perspective and 2. THEY ARE NOT ASKING FOR ADVICE, EXCUSES, OR SPIRITUAL SAYINGS. THEY ARE NOT SEEKING BIBLE VERSES. THEY ARE SEEKING SAFETY, LOVE, AND CARE. The end. Period.

This is not your opportunity to evangelize. This is not your time to defend or share your experiences of how great church has been for you. This is your chance to listen, love, and be with someone who has been hurt.

Secondly, most of those above cliches are untrue/unhelpful even if it is the right time to give advice (but remember, it is not the right time to give advice).

Most peoples experiences of the church these days are legitimately unpleasant. When I’m told or I read that church is a place to go for healing or to find family, I honestly cringe. Not because I’ve never experienced family or healing with Christians (I have many Christian friends who have shown me that kind of love) but that 95% of my church experience has been me feeling shame, loneliness, insecurity, fear, anxiety, isolation, invisibility and more. That is church trauma.

Church trauma does not have to come from big events of abuse, though the fact that religious people respond to bigger abuse with the same trite answers is sickening.

Church trauma comes from wounds that were never heard, messages that were never untwisted, and hearts that were never loved. Too many of my Christian friends feel unsafe at church.To hear story after story of people who feel the same way about church and to respond with the same empty answers is just ignoring a majority experience of our day. And so, if so many people are experiencing church trauma, church hurt. If church is not safe for a lot of people, it’s time to stop saying those people are the problem and the church is fine. It’s time to start wondering (if that’s all you can do) what is wrong with the church that people are feeling this way?

Even if it was 1 person that felt like church was unsafe, we know and should exemplify that THE SHEPHERD LEAVES THE 99 FOR THE 1.