Joyful Ruins

Last week, I went to the movies by myself. I went to distract and treat myself in the midst of worrying over another sleepless night.

But as I sat, alone, in the dark theater, loud and colorful images and sounds flashing in front of me, I felt trapped and lonely.

I felt overwhelmed with fear and isolation.

All alone in the theater.

All alone in my life.

All alone in my pain.

All alone in my experiences.

I think this defines my life feelings. As a child, I felt alone in everything I felt and experienced. No one there to say to me, “that’s normal”, “I understand”, or “I’ve felt that too”. No one even to listen to my inner experiences so they just got stuffed down and bottled up.

So, what happens after 15 years of silencing and dismissing one’s own inner truth?

Anxiety attacks in movie theaters.

Your body and mind will speak up if you don’t acknowledge your truth. And your truth holds much much pain because you are human. And your truth holds much much beauty because you are beloved.

We can’t be whole unless we face all of it.

But, not alone…. that much I’ve come to know.

I “healed” alone for 4 years. I powered through and dug myself out.

I wrestled demons, left toxicity, healed my body, and grew to love myself.

And THAT WAS HEALING, but I was alone.

And that reality, on its own, is a wound I have carried.

Now, I need others.

I need my mother to hold me and hear me when I cry.

I need the steady presence of my father when we watch a movie at night.

I need my counselor who is partnering with me to resolve the trauma inside.

I need that ONE friend who hasn’t left but keeps saying she cares.

And maybe that’s not a lot of withness, but it’s a start.

It’s a start when you’ve carried your pain for so long alone.

Sharing it with anyone is a brave act of healing.

I don’t know when I’ll be able to go to the movies again or when I’ll be able to do a lot of things without a potential trigger, but I’m beginning and that counts.